I was going through some of my old papers and I found some forgotten correspondence from 2005. I thought this deserved sharing. There is considerable effort here by everyone, this is my second favorite prank, only to be matched by the Mr Blobby incident and the year known as “Picnic at Hanging Rock Year of Tormenting Dougal” – I will discuss this in other posts.
I have a friend called Julian. I mostly see him at parties. His preferred party outfit for winter used to be a red knit jumper, I suspect it was his good ‘going out’ jumper. For reasons lost in time, I don’t remember why, we liked to mock him about it. For some reason we discussed dressing up as Julian at our next fancy dress gig, everyone in a blue shirt and red knit jumper.
Warning. This is an actual physical object
How it all started
It was 2005. I was in a shop on Gertrude St that sold little medical specimen bottles with corks. I bought about 10 of them, thinking “I can use these for ….something.”
What I used them for: I got a ball of red yarn, and abused my workplaces facilities terribly by photocopying a photograph of Julian’s face a lot. I cut them out. I then popped red yarn into all the bottles with a Julian face, and made little labels: “Instant Julian. Just add water”, which I tied to the bottles.
I went to a party full of our friends. It was cold that day, and coats and jackets were strewn and hanging up all over the place. I slipped the bottles into people’s pockets, and that, as I thought, was that.
The response took a while, over the next few weeks people found the Julians. Many laughs were had.
When I saw Julian, he seemed resigned to his fate.
At some point I gave him this – I honestly have no recollection of doing this but Julian sent me the photo after I’d first published this post! I’m hilarious!
But it turns out…the resignation was a lie, a farce, a ploy to cover his plans for revenge.
The first two letters
Our mutual friend Daniel took it upon himself to question my actions. Note, he was not standing up for Julian Rights. He clearly didn’t care. His issue centered around his outrage as to the the work-ability of everyone having a Julian at the same time, and how exactly did the dehydrated Julian work. I remember many arguments and discussions.
I sent him a letter explaining the finer points, as though it was from the manufacturer. I recall being quite proud of this. We often exchanged actual letters over things in email, or farce.
The text of the first letter is lost – I didn’t save it, I don’t have a hard copy, it was a number of computers ago. I’m annoyed at myself! I may have done it at work actually and printed it out there….hrm. However I know the letter did discuss how the instant Julian worked by drawing out a Julian from an alternative universe. Yeah, I did this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before Rick and Morty, because I like SF and anyone who reads or writes SF did this before Rick and Morty. JUST SAYING.
The complaint letter
I received an official reply from Daniel
28 April 2005
Re: New instructions for Instant Julian Product
Dear Ms Jean
Thank you for your recent letter describing additional instructions for activating my Instant Julian. The next time I am desperately in deed of my own international crime-busting swashbuckler I will do as you recommend.
However I must comment on what I think is a flaw in your product as described. This process of having the normal Julian actually replaced by an alternative universe counterpart it would seem to me limits the number of consumers of your product to just one. the moment I have completed the instructions the Julian will be replaced by my Julian thereby preventing any other holder of Instant Julian from activating on their own.
If only you could find a way of bringing alternative universe Julians into our universe while keeping the original here then everyone could have a Julian to call their own. Imagine having one in every home. It would be excellent for parents struggling to instill in children good jumper wearing habits. Consider the following exchange:
Child: But I don’t wanna wear my jumper!
Parent: But it’s cold outside – the jumper will keep you nice and warm.
Child: But it itches me!
Parent: I know it’s a bit scratchy but darling…(looks around desperately for a new line of argument] …do you think our Julian is cool?
Child: Julian is fully sick!
Parent: Well look at Julian [standing over in his position by the hat stand] – Julian always wears his jumper. You want to be like Julian don’t you?
Child: Jumpers are fully sick!
I am sure ou can imagine many other situation sin which a Julian in every home would be invaluable. I hope you will consider the advantages of this proposal for the consuer as well as for your neglected profit-margins
Kind regards
Daniel [surname]
*
My official reply to the complaint letter
*
Julian Enterprises, PTY LTD
30 April, 2005
Dear Mr [Daniel]:
As a valued customer of Julian Enterprises, I again apologise for any product flaws inherent in your Julian. As you are aware, to fill this universe with a plethora of red jumper wearing uncover operatives would potentially tip the balance and cause great unrest.
However, we have been developing a new product that should satisfy all of your Julian needs and desires.
Please accept with our compliments, the prototype ‘2 in 1 Julian Squirter’. Be warned, the Julian Juice is undiluted and thus should not come into contact with bare skin, at risk of developing character traits commonly regarded as Julianesque. Our lead tester has unfortunately developed an irreversible desire to wear blue shirts with red knitted accessories and my own secretary has developed a passion for leaping from perfectly good airplanes and taking spy photographs of Russia on the way down.
Please use cautiously and in moderation. We cannot be held responsible for consequences.
Sincerely,
Avril Jean
Manager
*
I put a small water pistol with red yarn around it and “Julian Squirter” written on it in pen in with the letter.
There was no physical reply to this. However I was not yet done.
The costume/follow up letter
In order to get a response I sent another letter. I had some old letterhead from a 1978 star trek convention held in Melbourne. I had been wondering what to do with that for ages and this seemed an oppertuity. I used Mum’s analog typewriter to type on the official letterhead:
Dear Mr [Daniel],
Re: Costume awards
I write in response to your letter dated June 30, 1978.
As was explained to you fully, and in great detail by me and by each judge in turn on the day of the convention, the judges decision for ‘Best Star Trek Costume’ is final. We will not be persuaded by complaints to remove the prize (a hand signed photograph of William Shatner), from the first place getter and re-issue it to you.
I am only writing to you to ask you to stop your barrage of complaint letters. Your threats of media attention and law suits are, quite frankly, ludicrous.
I will take the points you make one by one and attempt to answer them to your satisfaction.
- The winner of the prize (Mr O.Kuhn) won as the judges deemed his Klingon costume to be authentic and a correct representation of the genera. Your claims that ‘All he did was rub coffee powder on his face, grow a stupid beard, and wear a nightie’ are ill founded and incorrect.
- Mr Kuhn would also like to remind you that the court order against your presence is in effect for another 8 weeks. He has requested of us that we tell you that he has put his photograph in a safe place and thus ransacking his house (again) would be a pointless exercise.
- The judges did not appreciate being told they were blind, dumb, stupid, or smelt. This sort of behavior has caused you to be blackballed from the list of accepted guests at the next convention, and those for ever after.
- Your costume was not official Star Trek dogma. In fact, wearing a blue shirt and a red knitted jumper and saying you came from ‘Planet Julian’ and your ‘mission’ was to ‘convert the faithless to the true cause’ was a strange thing to attest to at a convention that celebrates STAR TREK. To then attempt to squirt the judging panel with a plastic soap bubble dispenser wrapped in red wool, was peculiar in the extreme. I cannot re-iterate the fact that “Julian” is not a ‘monster’ from Star Trek, and certainly not from the ‘Alternate Universe’ episode as claimed by you.
- Shouting “I AM THE ONE TRUE JULIAN” during the summing up of the judging of costumes was unacceptable.
- What you did to the unfortunate vulcan’s ears was a criminal act. You are lucky he did not press charges
Please, stop bothering us.
Yours very sincerely,
[NAME],
Organiser
*
I recall much hilarity from everyone who read and saw this letter. The Julian thing, as I thought, had run out of legs, it was over.
The winning response came months later
I have a regular get together of friends one night a week. I went to the house it was being held. When I walked back to the car I noticed something red and blinking on the windscreen. It was this:
What is this you ask?
This is a battery pack wrapped with red yarn with red pipe cleaner legs. The photo I had of Julian’s face was protruding on another pipe cleaner. The eyes of the Julian were tiny red blinking LEDs.
I was IMPRESSED. Clearly someone had gone to trouble. Assuming it was someone at the meeting, I took the tiny blinking Julian and threw it in the letter box, for the householder to find the next day. I was quite proud of myself for doing that.
I drove home.
I got to my house and there was a small crowd of people out the front, all staring into my yard and pointing. They melted away into the night as I drove up. I soon saw what they were pointing at.
There were about 10-15 of the above tiny winking Julians dotted around my yard. It was COATED in tiny menacing LED eyed Julians.
I was staggered and impressed and stunned. I collected them and went to the front door. Which is when I found….it.
It was a double Julian. Made like the ones above, with a much bigger body, and TWO HEADS. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I picked up.
IT SPOKE TO ME IN JULIANS’ VOICE.
“Hello! I’m FRIENDly!” it exclaimed.
I screamed and dropped it and that is the point I conceded defeat. I had been out-pranked, gloriously so. I later discovered Julian had been driving his housemate mad for over a month, assembling the Julians on the kitchen table. That’s actual dedication to a prank.
Note, Julian has read this post and sent me these. I have a photo of the Mega-Julian and his army of slightly smaller Julians! I can now count them, there were 10!
The Unexpected Epilogue
At this time I was not the only person doing random prank type stuff, but I was certainly involved in a lot of them. I had told the story of the Julians at a party at my house sometime later, everyone was passing around the Hello-I’m-Friendly Julian and giggling. I did not consider it necessary to track where Two-head Julian ended up. This was a mistake as all my friends are also a bit into pranking. The Julian was taken by someone who blamed me by putting a ‘TONKA” label on his jeep (it was not me, I wish it was) who did …something….with it.
Where talking Julian ended up was balanced on my four poster bed. I discovered this the next time I was having an intimate moment in my bed with someone, a few days later. The bed shook at an appropriate bed shaking time and Julian suddenly exclaimed “Hello! I’m FRIENDly!” into what was very rapidly vacated room. I can’t describe the flurry of horrified panic.
I deserved it all. It was brilliant.
